The Curious Incident Of The Pagga In The Night-time

The Curious Incident Of The Pagga In The Night-time

Newcastle police today declared themselves "turtally baffled, like" over the mysterious crime that is gripping the North East.

The few scant facts are as follows.

* A Newcastle United footballer was admitted to hospital with a broken jaw.

* A second player was treated for a badly-bruised hand.

* The player suffering from the broken jaw had allegedly received text messages from an ex-girlfriend of the player with the busted hand. Police described the messages as being of "a well mucky nature".

* Over 400 witnesses saw the two players arguing, with one player saying to the other, "I am going to punch you in the jaw, with this very hand here, do you see, because you got text messages of a well mucky nature off my ex bird, you bounder."

Newcastle United declined to comment, further fuelling speculation as to what could possibly have happened.

"In all my years of police work, I've never come across a case as difficult as this one," said a senior police source.

"It defies detection. We are working on all possible angles and interviewing witnesses, but we are yet to catch a break."

It is believed the working theory is that the victim was somehow involved in a money-laundering operation that went sour, leading to bad blood with an Eastern European crime syndicate or possibly the Chinese Mafia, who may have ordered the hit via a local intermediary.

Privately, police are speculating that North-East guitar legend Mark Knopfler may have been the triggerman, and that the perpetrator may have undergone extensive facial surgery that would make him now all-but unrecognisable, although he would probably have changed his appearance to look like Ant or possibly Dec.

One now discredited theory is that Gazza may have bitten the second player on the hand in an argument at Redcar races.

Police discovered "a tiny golf club, possibly a sand wedge or putter like a child might use on the beach" at the scene of the crime, initially causing the finger of suspicion to be pointed at the club's former 'Head of Something Or Other', Dennis Wise.

However, Wise was never charged and was ruled out of enquiries when it emerged he had been building himself a large house made out of Lego at the time of the incident. Already Robson Green has expressed interest in "some sort of acting role" if the crime is ever made into an appalling ITV1 drama.

In response to the baffling crime, Newcastle United's legendarily-effective PR machine went into overdrive, with a speedy blanket denial successfully quashing any and all media interest in the matter.

Alan Shearer was not available for comment, fortunately.